I wrote this in September of last year.

It’s much, much easier to not know what you’ve missed, not know what you are missing, especially if it’s likely that you’ll always, always miss it. But I resolved a long time ago to choose awareness over absence of pain, and while I falter often on that resolution, it’s still something I strive for; the falterings usually happen along the way to picking myself up repeatedly and trying to be brave enough again, again, again.

I am surprised at how much more true it's become.