Today is my first day of teaching as a faculty member. I am nervous, woke up early (read: couldn't sleep), and forgot to eat breakfast because I was so nervous I ran out the door without grabbing the food I'd planned. I spent way too much time stressing out about what I should wear so I would look not-like-a-student, but not like a boring professor (whatever that means), while still being comfortable, while... actually, I'll just wear the same outfit I've worn for all my interviews in grad school ever and just leave off the jacket, because... I know it looks good, or at least the colors don't clash. Okay.
I feel so very underqualified, and am constantly wondering "who thought it was a good idea to let me do this?" I know this is an emotional reaction and not a logical one because I've been teaching undergrads since 2004 and my rational brain is telling me that, by all signs (including lots of overwhelmingly positive student comments through the years), I'm pretty good at it. But. Still. Feelings.
I'm struggling with the feeling that I should redo all the course materials!!!! for the stuff that I'm inheriting, to... y'know, make it better! As if, somehow, revising my syllabus would change students' lives!!!! Intellectually, I know that actual student gains from a last-minute couse overhaul would likely be minimal, and that the more likely outcome is that everyone would be confused, I would die of exhaustion, and zero other work would get done. I'm making peace with doing an okay-ish job of super-quick teaching prep that leans heavily on material I've inherited from the past, and then being really awesome and present in the classroom when I'm with my students. My teaching isn't going to save the world. (At least not this semester.) And I'm learning (wrestling with) how to be okay with that.
Did I mention that I feel underqualified? And that I don't want to mess it up? And that I'm worried -- even if it's a slight worry -- that I'll somehow fail students, and everything, and everybody, and... thereby demonstrate that I am Not Ready To Be A Grownup? I mean, I didn't even take this class in undergrad! Again, not logical responses; rationally, I can teach this, but... my lizard brain is telling me to flee and stress-eat cookies and ice cream. Which I might do tonight regardless.
I have been told that all these feelings and thoughts are completely normal. And I think they are, and I'm not worried (I mean, okay, I am worried, but I'm not worried about being worried). But I wanted to write this down on my actual first day of teaching as a faculty member, so that (1) someday, when other new faculty look at me with the same kind of mild panic in their eyes as I have now, I can point them to this post and say totally normal, I felt this way too... and also (2) so that if I do end up going down in a fiery explosion and turn out to be the WORST TEACHER EVER, I can say "I told you so."
I'm gonna hope for (1). We'll see how this all goes.